HF is in love

That's right. HumbleFootball just wants to make clear that, no matter what happens in today's clash with manure, we love the current team and that we have nothing but faith and confidence in Wenger's tots. Give what you've got and don't worry about the result.

Arsenal 3 Sunderland 2

Note: Humble Footballers waving scarves directly to the left of the goal after Van Persie scores.
Note 2: Sunderland fan with Tourettes. You can't see him, but he made our day with his incomprehensible jibber-jabber and red-faced random swearing.

Arsenal-Sunderland pregame

Haute-cuisine

Good morning! It's an overcast and cold Sunday as the HumbleFootball team prepares to head up the Balls Pond Road to the Grove for today's clash with Sunderland. Expect northern grit and snarl. Expect a sluggish and nervous start from the boys in red. Expect flashbacks to last year of trenches dug into the attacking half. Expect us to sneak a goal towards the end. Expect the away support to chant "inger-land, inger-land, inger-land". Expect the home support to reply: "Are you Ireland in disguise?" Don't expect good veggie sausages when you stop for breakfast at the Arsenal Cafe on Blackstock Road.

Reason # 1829 to hate Usmanov

He's a nose-picker.

Cheryl explains Ash's little mistake

Cheryl 'Titus' Cole describing why Ashley went to Chelsea instead of Real Madrid (wow! what great options) - "Why should all my dreams and aspirations be shattered for the sake of his career? It would have meant that I'd have had to give up my career, which I wasn't prepared to do". Too right really. Ashley is rubbish anyway.

Man with mustache makes us happy

'....Stan Kroenke is understood to have informed the Arsenal board during a meeting in London that he will abide by the terms of its agreement preventing major share sales'. Did I mention that he had a very nice mustache.

Di-duh?

Oh dear.

Successful on the pitch, successful in politics

From the Guardian:

Iraq Sunni bloc replaces lawmaker with soccer star

BAGHDAD, Oct 4 (Reuters) - Iraq's parliament agreed on Thursday to let the main Sunni Arab bloc replace a lawmaker-turned-insurgent with one of the country's most famous soccer stars.

Deputies voted to let striker Ahmed Radhi, the only Iraqi player to have scored in World Cup finals, replace Abid-Nasir al Janabi, who announced in June he was leaving the political process to take up arms in Iraq's insurgency.

Radhi, 43, netted in Iraq's 2-1 defeat by Belgium while his team were a man down in the 1986 tournament in Mexico.

Soccer players are held in high regard amongst Iraqis after repeated successes despite hardships at home. Iraq won its first continental cup this summer, sparking unprecedented scenes of joy and celebration on Iraq's streets.

Radhi played a large role in campaigning for the Sunni bloc in December 2005 elections but failed to win a seat.

... some politicians use euphemisms for what they plan to do next- spend time with the family, start a philanthropic organisation, cream millions off-of half-arsed ghost-written recollections describing why they were right about everything. Not Abid-Nasir al Janabi. Oh no.

Usmanov #1828...

From Craig Murray: '...Usmanov is also dogged by the widespread belief in Uzbekistan that he was guilty of a particularly atrocious rape, which was covered up and the victim and others in the know disappeared. The sad thing is that this is not particularly remarkable. Rape by the powerful is an everyday hazard in Uzbekistan..'.

Reason #1827 to hate Usmanov

Despite his insistence that he's a committed gooner, Alisher Usmanov is in fact a Man U fan. He "spends hours following the Red Devils. ... His posh West London office is littered with Man U annuals and photos. And Usmanov’s vast desk is piled with rows of United DVDs. There are also match programmes and videos of Man U hero Eric Cantona."

Note: he has an office in west London, of which HumbleFootball has received exclusive photos accessible here.

Arsenal envy up norfff

First, they claim to play as beautiful football as we do. Then, Jol says his youngsters are as good, if not better, than ours. And now, they want to move to a 60,000 seater ground in Enfield. If you can't beat the Arsenal, it seems, you have to pretend to be Arsenal.

Gangster and Racketeer buys more of Arsenal

At the risk of being shut down, we are reviving Humble Football, to serve as an outlet of protest against the continuing sale of shares in Arsenal football club to Alishier Usmanov - Gangster, Racketeer and financier of a notoriously brutal regime. We do not want this man to have any involvement in our club.

Please sign the petition here

For more information listen to MEP Tom Wise's speech to the European Parliament here

More info on the ongoing legal saga involving former British Ambassador to Uzbekistan, Craig Murray, here

Move over Juan-Roman

In the proud tradition of Arsenal mastermind, we present you with this gem from French television. Who is our most accurate player, Cesc, Gallas, Theo? (No, no and no). Like Phillipe Senderos having a brain, the ultimate winner will surprise you.

Theo rips it up

During the boredom of an international friendly week, The Tabloid: Shock News - Mclaren is Crap, we have some sweet relief. Any ideas on how to bypass youtube premierleague censorship whilst we're at it?

Mo Problems?

Youtube have got wise to the way of the pirate. So instead we must rely on fans to provide you with footage of the games. Where others would see an insurmountable impediment, Humble Football sees a glorious opportunity to improve the quality of commentary. Watch and listen as Van Persie scores the first as we beat Fulham.

The debate?

So we've given you an idea of what others think. They're obviously a little daft. Who knows best? We knows best. Or perhaps you do?

Big questions time. Who will win the league this year? Who's going down? Cups, Champions league? What else of note will occur?

Fight! Fight! Fight!

THFGSG: Four Four Two

The produce: Setanta sports is here! Subscribe now! 'I mean sorry we are a serious football magazine'.

Key Prediction: Setanta will usurp Sky to become the favoured choice of sports fans everywhere.

Best wizz-bang feature: Setanta Sports logo's on every. single. page.

Top four: Somewhat skewed by variety - a combination of very 'wise' heads (Setanta pundits) predict - Chelsea, Man Utd, Liverpool, and Spurs (Tim Sherwood thinks they'll finish third).

Down: Derby, Wigan, Brum.

Arsenal finish: 5th apparently we're a bit crap and our manager will leave. Emmanuel Petit has insider information (always loyal, our Manu).

If this guide were a guide it would be: An infomercial. Pretends to be providing you with useful product information about Chuck Norris' workout regime, but spoils it all by trying to sell you something.

THFGFSG: Premier League Previews (Soccernet)

Produce: Spartan team-by-team list, delivered with the sincerity and earnestness one expects of the lovable Yanks at Soccernet.com

Key Prediction: "Man United have spent the most and it should guarantee them the title, while Liverpool may have the edge on a surprisingly stingy Chelsea this season." Ah, the eternal American faith in capital expenditure.

"As for the rest, there are few surprises, although all will become clear by May 2008." All will become clear in May? No, impossible. Doesn't Soccernet know that the universe will implode in April, leaving nothing but the eternal weave and weft of the cosmos?

Best wizz-bang feature: Did you know, Beckham's in America? Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckahm.

Top four: ManYoo, Spleenpool, Chelski, Arsenal

Down: Wigan, Birmingham, Derby

Arsenal finish: 4th, with Tottenham close behind. RVP to excel, our defense to leak goals.

If this guide were a guide it would be: Lewis and Clark; intrepid, courageous, adventurous, but indebted to indigenous wisdom and Native American women

THFGFSG: The Season (The Guardian)

Kevin McCarra - frighteningly accurate or just frightening?
Produce: Fleshy little hymn-book, signs songs of praise in anticipation of an exciting season ahead.

Key Prediction: Not one to make bold predictions, The Season asserts, 'Mourinho's team should be caught up in an engrossing battle with United and, perhaps, Liverpool'. Though the prediction that England will go out to Portugal 3-0 on penalties in Euro 08, has a ring of truth to it.

Best wizz-bang feature: Team owner facebook profiles, Roman Abramovich - status: 'Roman is keen to buy - sorry, win - the Champions League', even better Chelsea - Bankrolled by: 'The Russian workers who sold their shares in the country's vast privatised energy resources to Roman Abramovich for a handful of beads and a shot of vodka'. (It should be noted that we have essentially nicked their formatting for this guide to season guides, but we have sacrificed myling souls and have a small readership, so the chances of being sued are minimal).

Top 4: Chelsea, Troll Utd, Liverpool, Arsenal.

Down: Derby, Middlesborough and one other as yet unnamed team (Wigan?).

Arsenal finish: 4th. Though Theo is predicted to have a good season.

If this guide were a guide it would be: Sherpa Tenzing, so bloody good you can't help wondering why it didn't just climb the thing itself (eh?).

The Humble Football guide to football season guides

Starting tomorrow Humble Football will bring you a guide to the new season. Due to a combination of laziness and football obsession as well as a passing acquaintance with post-modernism, this will take the form of a guide to other season guides. Allowing us to abdicate responsibility for our own ridiculous predictions whilst simultaneously ridiculing others.

Tomorrow we profile the Guardian Season Guide. You have been warned.

Picture, Worth, Thousand, Words

And for good measure - "We have the same vision of football. I know which balls he likes to touch" (Florent Malouda talking about Didier Drogba).

make a difference, cull a seal

as humble football wakes every morning it peers through opaque eyes to discover that the myling have left a glass of nerpa milk next to its bed. every morning humble football vows to repay this kindness by culling as many seals as the season provides. at humble football we serve the myling in their attempts to expand their control over the entire FA. the greatest threat to this necessary historical process are mutant seal-footballer offspring from a displaced seal camp on the Moray Firth - one of the few regions of the country which lies beyond myling control.

resistance is widespread. the norwegians seem particularly confused as to how to counter the appearance of seal-human hybrids and reasonably so - i mean, how do you take the ball away from someone who's bouncing it on his head? as ever, the proud brazilian servants of the myling crown have found an inventive culling method - if he's bouncing it on his head, drop kick him as close to his head as you possibly can and then fall to the ground feigning mere collision. observe:




so remember, if you see a seal, kill it with a hook, then drain it's milk as it dies, present the majority of it at the nearest myling shrine and take a few drops for yourself. and as you glance furtively around and suck the milk from your greedy fingers, remember the eternal maxim: you may be bad, but your enemy is worse than you. this beachmaster wants your women.

"Football-Rumours" = rubbish

Football-Rumours.co.uk: a place to watch your Monday mornings spiral down the toilet amidst the ravings of 14 year-0lds, illiterates, and... well... people like us. It's also quite happy to eat the sh!t we feed it - for instance, this nonsense rumour about Wenger scooping up Royston Drenthe.

Highlights: Arsenal 1 - Ajax 0

Apologies about the sky sourcing. On the plus side we are stealing from big Rupe M, as opposed to paying for anything.

Arsenal win Amsterdam tournament

A late late late Van Persie goal sends us home smiling. 1-0 to the Arsenal. However persistent dutch brutality made for a very worrying night, which climaxed in Van Persie being stretchered off just after scoring. Arsene was not a happy man. On the plus side we win away and actually manage to score against Ajax, despite playing rather averagely and missing a fair few chances.

A league with a social conscience?

social entrepreneurs

Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger, the German football correspondent for soccernet.com, argues that the Bundesliga remains the only big league with a "social conscience". Mass commercialisation has been eschewed for the masses. How so? Uli cites a litany of cases of successful collective fan actions, including the retention of terrace seating and the easy availability of highlights and other football coverage on free-tv. The clincher: Uli's season ticket to see Borussia Dortmund costs a mere 150 euros, less than many pay to watch a season of non-league football in England (and to think, gooners have to splosh 30 quid only for the privilege of eventually buying tickets).

Arsenal 2 Fascists 1

Wenger's tots opened the Amsterdam tournament with a fairly convincing 2-1 victory over Lazio (of Paolo di Canio Mussolini-salute fame), with fox-in-the-box goals from Nicky B and the BrazilianBolivianHungarianTatarCroat Eduardo. The commentators mention we looked frail defensively, but that shouldn't be of too much concern... Hoyte-Djourou-Senderos-Traore is not our starting back four.

Continuing a worrying theme

Now that we are cleansed, it is good to remember that not all children are so obnoxious. 5 year old Lionel has a few tricks.

Humble Football cleansing ceremony

To purge the blog of traces of plague and incontinence (ManYoo audio below), Humble Football summons its healers and medics from Uganda.

Is it wrong to hate a 9 year old?

Shocking news has reached Humble Football HQ. Not content with troll-snatching on the outer edges of the law, Alex Ferguson has now revived his taste for small children by signing 9 year old Australian Rhain Davis. In the process he has achieved two things never thought possible - making Theo look old, and reviving horrible memories of a teenage Scottie Parker whoring himself to McDonalds.

A recommendation

Not content with sending our best players to Spain - we have decided to send our readers there too. Why not check out La Liga Loca for a spot of Spanish.

A Tribute

Yeah Habibi!

Top notch classic cup action Asia

Whilst looking for highlights of Iraq's victory for you - I stumbled across this wee gem. Iran win Asian cup 1972.

History as written by the victors

Iraqi captain Younis Mahmoud post-victory: "I want America to go out .....Today, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, but out. I wish the American people didn't invade Iraq and, hopefully, it will be over soon."

He also noted he would not be attending the victory celebrations in Iraq - "I don't want the Iraqi people to be angry with me ...If I go back with the team, anybody could kill me or try to hurt me."

We still look forward to the party, and possible positive political repercussions.

Meanwhile the Guardian has some great pictures. Whilst crooks and liars has a bit of useful footage.

Iraq take Asian cup

The trophy is being held aloft as I type. Congratulations Iraq. Humble Football salutes you. Iraq 1 Saudi 0. Younis header. Poor quality football. Fireworks above the stadium.

Tasteless, crass and inept...

...just like us. Humble Football celebrates Iraq's triumph with full pomp and circumstance. Never mind that our choice of garb is somewhat circumspect, or that Mustafa's shining bald head glows eerily (does he have designs on Iraqi Kurdistan?).

Celebrate, celebrate, run for cover

It was the best of times in the worst of times yesterday in Iraq when the national team squeezed into the final of the Asian Cup. Revellers hit the streets, drawing on the frenzied joy of the television commentary (see below post) to jump up and down, cry, wave their hands in the air, and do other things otherwise not permitted in the public boarding school known as Iraq. Celebrations were sadly marred by two suicide car bombings in Baghdad that killed at least 50 people.

Penalty highlights

Iraq are to play Saudia Arabia in the Asian cup final. Grudge match anyone? How many Saudi trained and financed fighters are there in Iraq at the mo anyway? On a lighter note - here are highlights from yesterdays penalty shoot out. The commentator could certainly teach Martin Tyler a thing or two. Head to the end of the clip if you can't stand the tension - the climax of the commentary is outstanding.

Iraq make Asian Cup final!

Thoroughly exciting 0-0 draw. Many Iraqi players booked for 'unsporting conduct'. A knackered South Korea will make the short trip home after Iraq won a penalty shoot-out 4-3. The possibility of the Asian Cup taking pride of place in a Baghdad museum before being immediately looted looms large. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq! Clips of 'highlights' to follow as soon as I can find them.

Severe boredom humble football nostalgia alert

A bit of old Harry Enfield to rouse some cheer. We have now officially reached the zenith of a football-less summer.

I think we won this.

Nihon March On

Australia get whacked.



Don't fuck with Asia, Australia - Tony Jaa's visit to Sydney should have given you a clue...



Demo Takahara-baka nani-o-shimasuka???

Bye Bye Freddy

Off east to the land of dog-racing, Russell Brand, biscuits and boredom. The great team of 2001-2002 is now completely disbanded. But we remember the good times.


And of course, this goal, to seal the double (*sigh*).

Genclerbirligi 0-3 Arsenal

Chunky, but belated highlights from our pre-season tour... Walcott looks stronger and more confident, Van Persie gets back into the rhythm of things after his long lay-off, Eduardo gets some good crosses in for Nicky B, and Freddie wears the captain's armband... is he really going?

Iraq's juggernaut marches on

Highlights from Iraq's quarterfinal triumph over Vietnam. Both goals were scored by Younes Mahmoud, a leading poacher in the Qatari league and in Humble Football's troll-potting index.

currrrsed hammer

I know why West Ham are so fukked. There can be no argument. They are cursed. Every time they sign a mid-table level player for an inflated price he gets injured within the hour. The answer lies back in the wind blasted wastes of the Icelandic interior where successful biscuit-magnate Eggert Magnusson used to take his landrover defender for sinister summer trips.

When one thinks of Eggert Magnusson, one thinks of one thing... how can a man make this much money from biscuits? The answer? Magnusson's biscuits had a special ingredient: pieces of myling souls. These souls of unbaptised or murdered children were collected in Magnusson's Egg-wagon, chained together with pieces of elf-hair and then carted to an abandoned fish-processing factory in Seyðisfjörður where they were diced by Polish workers and used as creamy centres. The Icelandic people, desperate for their lost children and driven by a settler mentality obsessed with (pro)creating a human presence in their desolate land, ate them by the thousand.


the Icelandic interior - a myling haunt

However, should there be one (or two) lesson(s) you take from this story let it be this, do not mess with forces you don't understand and do not think yourself above the consequences of your actions. The mylings are hungry ghosts and they only want to be buried in hallowed ground. They chase people and climb on their backs so they can be carried to the cemetary, however, as they spend more time on the person's back they grow heavier and heavier, making that person sink into the soil. This explains why all the West Ham injuries have been foot or ankle related - as the players try and move the extraordinary weight upsets their balance and they injure themselves. Mystery solved. Who thought it was a gypsy curse? How ridiculous!


Eggert Magnusson - put dead childrens' souls into biscuits

Don't get me started on the troll.

No babies in the manger...

Give it up for the Bethlehem women's football team, the first such in the occupied territories. Led by the dashing and well-named Honey Taljieh, the team wages a constant uphill struggle not only against stereotypes and stigmas, but geography: thanks to the limitations on Palestinian movement, the full team can only train together when abroad.

Vietnam vs Iraq

Vietnam


Iraq.

Asian cup this Saturday. Can't help thinking the teams share something in common.

Humble capitalism

Reports today suggest that Stan Kroenke will meet the Arsenal board, including quite possibly racist bore, Peter Hill-Wood. Quite what they'll discuss, no-one knows. Though Kroenke now has a considerable 12% stake in the club, and has been making eyes at David Dein and Danny Fitzsman's stakes, both believed to be rather large (sorry no more pseudo-homo-erotic innuendo).

In related murky goings on - Kia Joorabchian has threatened to reveal the true nature of the Carlos Tevez deal, which is believed to involve a billy goat and a bridge in East Ham. Despite these shocking revelations, FIFA has said it may not be able to sort the mess prior to the beginning of the season. This raises the possibility that, due to the dispute, Carlos Tevez will not play for anyone for the first half of the season. FIFA will be concerned that any ruling sets a significant precedent. The reintroduction of slavery for humans as well as trolls remains a possibility, as were FIFA to sanction any Tevez deal they would effectively legitimise third-party ownership of players. Such a ruling would probably make the whole Bosman affair seem as relevant as the player himself.

Humble Football fantasies

Yes they might involve Arsenal winning the quintuple, Dennis Bergkamp returning to the team aged 40 and Jose Mourinho, Alex Ferguson and Martin Jol being eaten by voracious badgers, but in this case I refer to the Humble Football fantasy league. Hosted on the charmingly free fantasy.premierleague.com, Humble Football will hopefully feature a bunch of you, dear readers, by season kick-off. So head to said site and enter this code - 294407-59948. Obviously Jack and Reginald will destroy you with their entirely left-sided and French teams, but you may beat lesser lights like Andreas Baader and possibly his girlfriend and her angry, angry team.

Brazil win Copa, Humble Football eats words

Counter-intuitive sentence 1. Brazil thrashed an abysmal Argentina and won the Copa America.
Counter-intuitive sentence 2. Julio Baptista was the best player on the park, scoring an early goal and constantly driving Brazil forward.
Counter-intuitive sentence 3. Julio Baptista was the best player on the park, scoring... sorry, had to do that one again to check it was real.
Counter-intuitive sentence 4. Argentina once again bottled it when it really mattered, raising real questions about the future of the team and playing style.

Humble football has sent its kittens to New Zealand.

Will Diego Be Singing at the Emirates?

Yes, this is according to the Sun, but let's hope they are right. Come next season, Maradona's favourite, Rodrigo Palacio, will be whipping his lethal rat tail into the eyes of Scum defenders while poking Cesc's through balls into their net. Reports claim he'll take Thierry's no.14. The 15million pounds fee is steep, but to be expected when both Huracan and Banfield have their fingers in Boca Juniors's pie. The move does smack of desperation what with Liverpool pulling a Chelsea and United on the verge of snatching up a striker almost as ugly as Rooney, but Palacio is mature and ready to impose himself on the European stage. Now, all we need to do is club this fellow over the head, stuff him into an amphora and sneak out of Piraeus.

Dead horse flogged

Iraq, my habibi

Goals from the demolition of John Howard's finest by HumbleFootball's (second) favourite football team. Enjoy the fine Arabic pop soundtrack as the three Iraqi strikes are replayed over and over and over again.

Welcome to Asia, Aussie puffs.

Iraq thrash Australia, US considers withdrawal

In a stunning riposte to their involvement in the second gulf war, Iraq have humiliated Australia by dealing to their football team. Iraq’s 3-1 victory was of course predicted by Jack, Reginald and other Humble Football types.

The victory is also understood to be one of the benchmarks set by US President George W. Bush to show progress in Iraq. Bush who had previously canceled plans to watch the Iraqi team at the 2004 Athens Olympics, was delighted with the victory, stating these were ‘encouraging signs’ of progress that could lead to a ‘more normalized and sustainable level of U.S. engagement in Iraq’, and that current manager, Brazilian Jorvan Viera was definitely ‘the right guy for Iraq’.

Former manager Uday Hussain could not be reached for comment, though he is understood to have threatened to shoot goalkeeper Noor Sabri for conceding a goal.

Corruption, Trolls, Iran, Russian Dissidents, Shadowy Businessmen! - Humble Football reports.

Carlitos Tevez's move to Manchester was placed under further scrutiny today. Tevez's owner and master, Iranian 'businessman' Kia Joorabchian and his dissident billionaire mate Boris Berezovsky, have been charged with money laundering in Brazil. Further charges will be laid later today and are expected to include human-trafficking and cruelty to trolls.

The charges further complicate one of the most convoluted transfer saga's in the history of the Premiership. It is now likely that West Ham, the club that nominally own Tevez, will be docked points in the coming season, despite avoiding a points deduction last season when Tevez was crucial in ensuring they survived relegation. Sheffield United, the club relegated instead of West Ham, will continue to contest an outcome even Premier League Officials admitted was unfair.

Meanwhile it seems highly likely that Manchester United and Liverpool, who were involved in a similar transfer of Tevez's Argentinian team-mate Javier Mascherano, will avoid paying transfer fees for two key members of the best international side on the planet. The saga re-emphasises the level of corruption in the global footballing industry and the massive disparity of wealth between European and South American clubs. All of this occurs in a week when South American football has demonstrated both its incredible beauty and arguable tactical superiority.

Arhhhentina 3 Mehhhico 0

Don't let the score-line fool you... Mexico created as much as the Argentinos. Messi's goal, however, was sheer class.

This was the meeting of the two best teams of the tournament. I'll sign over all my children to New Zealanders if Argentina don't beat Brazil in the final.

Another humdinger on Humble Football

Apologies for the title. I've been reading about search engine optimisation at work. What matters is that Brazil are through to the final, thanks to some good, if suspect, goalkeeping and some very good fortune. Bizzarely premiership rejects Julio Baptista and Diego Forlan both scored again. Oh and Mexico, Argentina is tonight. Mexico! Mexico!

More transfer madness

Asian cup qualifiers at Iraq national stadium.

Newcastle might be about to sign Deco. With a massive rush to sign young, often untested midfield prodigies, this could be a seriously good bit of business by Sam.

Roy Keane is keen on Iraq (aren't we all). The agent of Iraqi striker Nashat Akram has held talks with Sunderland. The imminent possibilty of Keane leading a Irish-Scottish-Iraqi-Jamaican guerrilla army in a sustained battle with Manchester and London based hegemons is enough to make even the most hardened security nut wet.

Meanwhile over on that fabled source of biblically contradictory information, football-rumours.com, important news has come to light. Kazakh midfielder Borat Sagiev is on his way to a premiership club.

Let Battle Recommence

Tonight Argentina play Mexico in a game that, if there is any justice, will determine the winners of this years Copa (ed note: there is no justice in this world only smirking Scots B£stards). Just in case you have the memory of the goldfish, Humble Football offers a little snippet of the last time they met - best game of World Cup 2006.

Noveau riche b£stard taunts workers

Alex Ferguson, fresh from promoting Alastair Campbell's book, has cemented his place in hell by taunting those less fortunate than himself. Said 'Sir' Alex: 'The poor are poor for a reason, they are lazy scum'. When questioned further about United's financial position and the debt-financing embarked upon by his fundamentalist Christian backers, Ferguson was far from contrite, 'you wee communist bastard, this is capitalism, it is my prerogative to steal, cheat and enslave trolls'.

Billy: shut yo face

shut up

An ill breeze descends on north London, it rains and rains on Islington and Hackney, heroes up and move to sunny Barcelona, vultures circle overhead, ravens caw prophecies of doom (before flying further north to shit on white hart lane), and stupid useless c*nts like William Gallas moan to the press.

The slow left-back, short centre-back claims we need to make bigger signings to compete. True enough. He also questions the abilities of new boy Eduardo da Silva and older new boy Adebayor as heirs to Henry. Also fair. But by pissing on his club and team-mates and by threatening to jump ship, Billy G has done club morale no favour.

I thought the French understood solidarity.

Clearly, Gallas does not. He complained routinely last season about the callowness of the team, while spending most of the season sidelined with various industries. When he played, Gallas was hardly commanding as a centre-back or adventurous as a left-back (the few goals he did nick were lucky), and is certainly not worth the grief and damage he causes to the club with his whining tirades. He should have left his Chelsea instincts in the Bridge, and Wenger should think about swapping him for someone more able at centre-back (Christian Chivu anyone?).

Mexico, Argentina through - what goals?

Mexico crushed Paraguay 6-o last night, whilst Argentina did a similar number on Peru. Whilst some of the football being played is utterly outstanding, four incredibly one-sided Quarter-finals has raised questions about a gulf in class between the top teams and also-rans in South America. The point is hammered home when you consider that neither Brazil nor Argentina are fielding their strongest line-ups.

Meanwhile somewhere in Asia escaped Oceania convicts Australia could only draw with Oman (ha!).

Venezuela ousted

Elsewhere in the Copa America, hosts Venezuela were knocked out 4-1 by Uruguay. Long considered the whipping boys of South American football, Venezuela surprised many by passing out of the group stages. Sadly, the Bolivarian footballers succumbed to a Uruguay team that has had a wholly mediocre tournament so far. Not the glorious ending that Hugo or his parrot would have desired.

Brazil thump Chile

Some beautiful goals in this not particularly competitive quarterfinal. Ended 6-1, though the sole Chilean strike is worth watching (as is Mark Gonzalez's ludicrous long-range strike off the bar). Amongst the scorers in yellow was one Julio Baptista, displaying the kind of poise and accuracy we never saw in norf London.

It has begun

Asian cup 2007, Iraq - Thailand, one all draw, large amounts of rain. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq.

The Mesopotamian Cup

So according to the Beeb yesterday, nearly half of the Iraqi asylum seekers knocking on the EU's door hope to wind up in Sweden. We're not exactly sure what they're playing at, but when a Baghdadi stares at this or modish pseudo-socialist furniture, I suppose the choice is clear.

The Beeb says many of the new batch of refugees (some 10,000 a year) are from the Shia centre and south of Iraq--and not members of the longstanding Assyrian community, who have transformed the Swedish town of Södertälje into a Scandinavian Nineveh since their arrival in the 1970s. Their club, Assyriska Föreningen, is the veritable Chaldean national team (its owner, Sargon DeBasso, is named like the great-grandfather of the great Ashurbanipal, builder of libraries, vanquisher of his foes, and last scribe of Gilgamesh, Lord of the House of Dust), but unfortunately also happens to be Sweden's version of Crystal Palace. One can only hope that the new Iraqis integrate into Europe the proper way: by forming Babylonska FC and reigning terror on the cities of their enemies.

shara my son / go get yr fathers gun / and shoot the chelsea scum / shoot the chelsea scum

FIRE!

Leeds, the most fucked club in English football are presently being shafted by her majesty's revenue and customs for 7.7 million pounds in unpaid taxes. The case will be heard over 4 days in the start of september. Until the matter is cleared up the club cannot operate. Ken Bates will not do anything that requires commitment and will not sack Dennis Wise and Gus Poyet (manager and assistant manager) partly because all three are chelsea filth and also because it would cost him money to break their contracts.

How did this happen?

Leeds won the title in 1992, the following season they finished 17th and narrowly avoided relegation. They then carried out a long and detailed series of experiments in reverse alchemy - they were consistently successful, turning money into shit. Some examples:

Thomas Brolin (post-crippling) £4.5 million (1995)
Lee Bowyer (£2.6 million) (1996)
Michael Duberry (£4.5 million) (1999)
Danny Mills (£4.1 million) (1999)
Michael Bridges (£5 million) (1999)
Darren Huckerby (£4 million) (1999)
Oliver Dacourt (£7.2 million) (2000)
Robbie Fowler (£11 million) (2001)
Robbie Keane (£12 million) (2001)

I'm sure there are more, but my memory escapes me - I've not included Rio Ferdinand because they actually managed to make a profit out of him.

Another issue was wages - Peter Risdale thought it was a good idea to have his entire team on trophy salaries. So Danny Mills was being payed for his entire 5 year contract even though he broke it after 2 years. Robbie Fowler was being payed in severance until last season. Aaron Lennon, Chapeltown born and product of Leeds' academy was on a bonus packet that meant the club couldn't afford to play him.

In 2007 - the stadium has been sold, the club are in the third tier and may still cease to operate, Leeds United are run by chelsea scum and worst of all pigeons routinely shit on the Billy Bremner statue in front of the stadium.

Bring back Lucas Radebe. No, clone Lucas Radebe and make him occupy every position at the club. No, clone Lucas Radebe and make him occupy every position at the club and at HM revenue and customs. And have the ghost of Billy Bremner garotte Bates with ginger piano wire.

FIRE! FORWARD!

Abolitionist vows to continue struggle

Despite repeated legal defeats Sheffield United will continue to seek emancipation for all South American footballing trolls. The news that the troll will be loaned out to work for a brutish new Scottish master in the north of the country, and the escape of the Sheffield United goblin (possibly by train), has not dettered Chief Executive William Lloyd Garrison, who stated 'I cannot but regard oppression in every form – and most of all, that which turns a man into a thing – with indignation and abhorrence'.

Hugo Chavez defeats the empire of sulphur

In case you live under a large quiet rock, or in America, Venezuela - the hosts of this years Copa - are through to the quater-finals, whilst the yankie devils have gone home.

On hearing of Venezuela's victory over Peru and yet another US soccerball defeat, Chavez was quoted as saying 'The United States empire is on its way down and it will be finished in the near future, inshallah' - and who could argue with that?

Your morning Copa America highlights

Argentina continue to look bastardly impressive. Troll boy shines, despite his prospective move to money Utd.

Look at these Hooligans

Steven Wells, punk rocker acolyte and reconstructed sports hack for the Guardian, writes a middling piece on those middling Americans. Thankfully, it isn’t one more dirge just bitching about them Yanks and their sock-her. Wells wonders about American apathy during their Gold Cup run and claims “what really annoys the rest of the world is the American failure to realise that international sporting competition even exists.” Of course, those idiots don’t care about sock-her—even though most of them played it in some miasmic, suburban state—but, horror of horrors, they’d take the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders over a Team USA any day. They're passionless when it comes to country, and often club. He has a point—apart from some lagered up New Yorkers, Americans are useless as fans even for their own shit sports. But, when it comes to international football, do we really mind?

Wells conjures up some encounter at a Chivas USA tailgate before their derby with the Galaxy (let’s just say the Home Depot Center isn’t quite the Azteca) and scolds a suburban Galaxy fan for winding up tequila drinking Chivenos. He seems to be saying that since Mexicans care more than you, you shouldn't piss them off... Wait, you're not pissing them off? What a typical American! I don’t really get it. I, for one, am happy that the sporting world is the last redoubt free of belligerent American nationalism. (You English are bad enough.) Then again, for some during the World Cup, militarist, cowboy Team USA already went one bridge too far against those poor, oppressed... Italians.

Horrible horrible news

Australia pledge to play "sexy" at Asian Cup

More good reading

Though our local Turks will not appreciate this - Ed Vulliamy produced this excellent piece for the Guardian.

A taste: 'Ahead of Turkey's crucial Euro 2008 qualifying match against Bosnia on 2 June, there was an affinity between themselves and the Bosnian Muslims that make up the capital's majority, a bond of culture and religion against their mutual, sworn enemies: Serbia and Greece. T-shirts and flags were for sale combining the lilies of the war-time Bosnian flag with Turkey's star and crescent on a red background. 'Bosna!' chanted the Turks; 'Turkiye!' the Bosnian fans chanted back.'

Transfer madness

Lets do the sums: Fernando Torres = Luis Garcia, Diego Forlan and possibly Jose Antonio Reyes. Does anyone find this just a mite ridiculous? Also aren't Athletico Madrid a real shot to qualify for the Champions League without their famous captain?

Whatever the case I need to mention something exceedingly important. Juninhio is joining Hull. Hull. Let the words speak for themselves. Two of them. Juninhio. Hull. Think on that for a while.

Euro 08 will be this good?

Yet more brilliant action from the Copa America. Argentina and Mexico have been outstanding. Argentina are probably the best team in the world right now. Come on you Monsters. Troll-boy will devour the earth.

Da Silva compilation

More stills and skills of our new gunner...

Da Silva signed up

Clips from our new striker... he looks a bit scrappier and more like a finisher than our other forwards. Rumours are that we shelled out over 20 million euros for the Brazilian-Croat. Let's hope 34 goals in the Croatian season doesn't lie.

New away kit on show

The new away kit is on display ahead of its release to the general public later this week. White top - a bit too much like Scum - and maroon shorts. However, anything is better than yellow. With its fine sense of fashion, HumbleFootball unanimously approves.

Below, Denilson and Theo model the children's-sized kit.