Monday, 30 July 2007

A Tribute

Yeah Habibi!

Top notch classic cup action Asia

Whilst looking for highlights of Iraq's victory for you - I stumbled across this wee gem. Iran win Asian cup 1972.

History as written by the victors

Iraqi captain Younis Mahmoud post-victory: "I want America to go out .....Today, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, but out. I wish the American people didn't invade Iraq and, hopefully, it will be over soon."

He also noted he would not be attending the victory celebrations in Iraq - "I don't want the Iraqi people to be angry with me ...If I go back with the team, anybody could kill me or try to hurt me."

We still look forward to the party, and possible positive political repercussions.

Meanwhile the Guardian has some great pictures. Whilst crooks and liars has a bit of useful footage.

Sunday, 29 July 2007

Iraq take Asian cup

The trophy is being held aloft as I type. Congratulations Iraq. Humble Football salutes you. Iraq 1 Saudi 0. Younis header. Poor quality football. Fireworks above the stadium.

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Tasteless, crass and inept...

...just like us. Humble Football celebrates Iraq's triumph with full pomp and circumstance. Never mind that our choice of garb is somewhat circumspect, or that Mustafa's shining bald head glows eerily (does he have designs on Iraqi Kurdistan?).

Celebrate, celebrate, run for cover

It was the best of times in the worst of times yesterday in Iraq when the national team squeezed into the final of the Asian Cup. Revellers hit the streets, drawing on the frenzied joy of the television commentary (see below post) to jump up and down, cry, wave their hands in the air, and do other things otherwise not permitted in the public boarding school known as Iraq. Celebrations were sadly marred by two suicide car bombings in Baghdad that killed at least 50 people.

Penalty highlights

Iraq are to play Saudia Arabia in the Asian cup final. Grudge match anyone? How many Saudi trained and financed fighters are there in Iraq at the mo anyway? On a lighter note - here are highlights from yesterdays penalty shoot out. The commentator could certainly teach Martin Tyler a thing or two. Head to the end of the clip if you can't stand the tension - the climax of the commentary is outstanding.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Iraq make Asian Cup final!

Thoroughly exciting 0-0 draw. Many Iraqi players booked for 'unsporting conduct'. A knackered South Korea will make the short trip home after Iraq won a penalty shoot-out 4-3. The possibility of the Asian Cup taking pride of place in a Baghdad museum before being immediately looted looms large. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq! Clips of 'highlights' to follow as soon as I can find them.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Severe boredom humble football nostalgia alert

A bit of old Harry Enfield to rouse some cheer. We have now officially reached the zenith of a football-less summer.

I think we won this.

Monday, 23 July 2007

Nihon March On

Australia get whacked.

Don't fuck with Asia, Australia - Tony Jaa's visit to Sydney should have given you a clue...

Demo Takahara-baka nani-o-shimasuka???

Bye Bye Freddy

Off east to the land of dog-racing, Russell Brand, biscuits and boredom. The great team of 2001-2002 is now completely disbanded. But we remember the good times.

And of course, this goal, to seal the double (*sigh*).

Sunday, 22 July 2007

Genclerbirligi 0-3 Arsenal

Chunky, but belated highlights from our pre-season tour... Walcott looks stronger and more confident, Van Persie gets back into the rhythm of things after his long lay-off, Eduardo gets some good crosses in for Nicky B, and Freddie wears the captain's armband... is he really going?

Iraq's juggernaut marches on

Highlights from Iraq's quarterfinal triumph over Vietnam. Both goals were scored by Younes Mahmoud, a leading poacher in the Qatari league and in Humble Football's troll-potting index.

Friday, 20 July 2007

currrrsed hammer

I know why West Ham are so fukked. There can be no argument. They are cursed. Every time they sign a mid-table level player for an inflated price he gets injured within the hour. The answer lies back in the wind blasted wastes of the Icelandic interior where successful biscuit-magnate Eggert Magnusson used to take his landrover defender for sinister summer trips.

When one thinks of Eggert Magnusson, one thinks of one thing... how can a man make this much money from biscuits? The answer? Magnusson's biscuits had a special ingredient: pieces of myling souls. These souls of unbaptised or murdered children were collected in Magnusson's Egg-wagon, chained together with pieces of elf-hair and then carted to an abandoned fish-processing factory in Seyðisfjörður where they were diced by Polish workers and used as creamy centres. The Icelandic people, desperate for their lost children and driven by a settler mentality obsessed with (pro)creating a human presence in their desolate land, ate them by the thousand.

the Icelandic interior - a myling haunt

However, should there be one (or two) lesson(s) you take from this story let it be this, do not mess with forces you don't understand and do not think yourself above the consequences of your actions. The mylings are hungry ghosts and they only want to be buried in hallowed ground. They chase people and climb on their backs so they can be carried to the cemetary, however, as they spend more time on the person's back they grow heavier and heavier, making that person sink into the soil. This explains why all the West Ham injuries have been foot or ankle related - as the players try and move the extraordinary weight upsets their balance and they injure themselves. Mystery solved. Who thought it was a gypsy curse? How ridiculous!

Eggert Magnusson - put dead childrens' souls into biscuits

Don't get me started on the troll.

Thursday, 19 July 2007

No babies in the manger...

Give it up for the Bethlehem women's football team, the first such in the occupied territories. Led by the dashing and well-named Honey Taljieh, the team wages a constant uphill struggle not only against stereotypes and stigmas, but geography: thanks to the limitations on Palestinian movement, the full team can only train together when abroad.

Vietnam vs Iraq



Asian cup this Saturday. Can't help thinking the teams share something in common.

Humble capitalism

Reports today suggest that Stan Kroenke will meet the Arsenal board, including quite possibly racist bore, Peter Hill-Wood. Quite what they'll discuss, no-one knows. Though Kroenke now has a considerable 12% stake in the club, and has been making eyes at David Dein and Danny Fitzsman's stakes, both believed to be rather large (sorry no more pseudo-homo-erotic innuendo).

In related murky goings on - Kia Joorabchian has threatened to reveal the true nature of the Carlos Tevez deal, which is believed to involve a billy goat and a bridge in East Ham. Despite these shocking revelations, FIFA has said it may not be able to sort the mess prior to the beginning of the season. This raises the possibility that, due to the dispute, Carlos Tevez will not play for anyone for the first half of the season. FIFA will be concerned that any ruling sets a significant precedent. The reintroduction of slavery for humans as well as trolls remains a possibility, as were FIFA to sanction any Tevez deal they would effectively legitimise third-party ownership of players. Such a ruling would probably make the whole Bosman affair seem as relevant as the player himself.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Humble Football fantasies

Yes they might involve Arsenal winning the quintuple, Dennis Bergkamp returning to the team aged 40 and Jose Mourinho, Alex Ferguson and Martin Jol being eaten by voracious badgers, but in this case I refer to the Humble Football fantasy league. Hosted on the charmingly free, Humble Football will hopefully feature a bunch of you, dear readers, by season kick-off. So head to said site and enter this code - 294407-59948. Obviously Jack and Reginald will destroy you with their entirely left-sided and French teams, but you may beat lesser lights like Andreas Baader and possibly his girlfriend and her angry, angry team.

Monday, 16 July 2007

Brazil win Copa, Humble Football eats words

Counter-intuitive sentence 1. Brazil thrashed an abysmal Argentina and won the Copa America.
Counter-intuitive sentence 2. Julio Baptista was the best player on the park, scoring an early goal and constantly driving Brazil forward.
Counter-intuitive sentence 3. Julio Baptista was the best player on the park, scoring... sorry, had to do that one again to check it was real.
Counter-intuitive sentence 4. Argentina once again bottled it when it really mattered, raising real questions about the future of the team and playing style.

Humble football has sent its kittens to New Zealand.

Will Diego Be Singing at the Emirates?

Yes, this is according to the Sun, but let's hope they are right. Come next season, Maradona's favourite, Rodrigo Palacio, will be whipping his lethal rat tail into the eyes of Scum defenders while poking Cesc's through balls into their net. Reports claim he'll take Thierry's no.14. The 15million pounds fee is steep, but to be expected when both Huracan and Banfield have their fingers in Boca Juniors's pie. The move does smack of desperation what with Liverpool pulling a Chelsea and United on the verge of snatching up a striker almost as ugly as Rooney, but Palacio is mature and ready to impose himself on the European stage. Now, all we need to do is club this fellow over the head, stuff him into an amphora and sneak out of Piraeus.

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Dead horse flogged

Iraq, my habibi

Goals from the demolition of John Howard's finest by HumbleFootball's (second) favourite football team. Enjoy the fine Arabic pop soundtrack as the three Iraqi strikes are replayed over and over and over again.

Welcome to Asia, Aussie puffs.

Friday, 13 July 2007

Iraq thrash Australia, US considers withdrawal

In a stunning riposte to their involvement in the second gulf war, Iraq have humiliated Australia by dealing to their football team. Iraq’s 3-1 victory was of course predicted by Jack, Reginald and other Humble Football types.

The victory is also understood to be one of the benchmarks set by US President George W. Bush to show progress in Iraq. Bush who had previously canceled plans to watch the Iraqi team at the 2004 Athens Olympics, was delighted with the victory, stating these were ‘encouraging signs’ of progress that could lead to a ‘more normalized and sustainable level of U.S. engagement in Iraq’, and that current manager, Brazilian Jorvan Viera was definitely ‘the right guy for Iraq’.

Former manager Uday Hussain could not be reached for comment, though he is understood to have threatened to shoot goalkeeper Noor Sabri for conceding a goal.

Corruption, Trolls, Iran, Russian Dissidents, Shadowy Businessmen! - Humble Football reports.

Carlitos Tevez's move to Manchester was placed under further scrutiny today. Tevez's owner and master, Iranian 'businessman' Kia Joorabchian and his dissident billionaire mate Boris Berezovsky, have been charged with money laundering in Brazil. Further charges will be laid later today and are expected to include human-trafficking and cruelty to trolls.

The charges further complicate one of the most convoluted transfer saga's in the history of the Premiership. It is now likely that West Ham, the club that nominally own Tevez, will be docked points in the coming season, despite avoiding a points deduction last season when Tevez was crucial in ensuring they survived relegation. Sheffield United, the club relegated instead of West Ham, will continue to contest an outcome even Premier League Officials admitted was unfair.

Meanwhile it seems highly likely that Manchester United and Liverpool, who were involved in a similar transfer of Tevez's Argentinian team-mate Javier Mascherano, will avoid paying transfer fees for two key members of the best international side on the planet. The saga re-emphasises the level of corruption in the global footballing industry and the massive disparity of wealth between European and South American clubs. All of this occurs in a week when South American football has demonstrated both its incredible beauty and arguable tactical superiority.

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Arhhhentina 3 Mehhhico 0

Don't let the score-line fool you... Mexico created as much as the Argentinos. Messi's goal, however, was sheer class.

This was the meeting of the two best teams of the tournament. I'll sign over all my children to New Zealanders if Argentina don't beat Brazil in the final.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Another humdinger on Humble Football

Apologies for the title. I've been reading about search engine optimisation at work. What matters is that Brazil are through to the final, thanks to some good, if suspect, goalkeeping and some very good fortune. Bizzarely premiership rejects Julio Baptista and Diego Forlan both scored again. Oh and Mexico, Argentina is tonight. Mexico! Mexico!

More transfer madness

Asian cup qualifiers at Iraq national stadium.

Newcastle might be about to sign Deco. With a massive rush to sign young, often untested midfield prodigies, this could be a seriously good bit of business by Sam.

Roy Keane is keen on Iraq (aren't we all). The agent of Iraqi striker Nashat Akram has held talks with Sunderland. The imminent possibilty of Keane leading a Irish-Scottish-Iraqi-Jamaican guerrilla army in a sustained battle with Manchester and London based hegemons is enough to make even the most hardened security nut wet.

Meanwhile over on that fabled source of biblically contradictory information,, important news has come to light. Kazakh midfielder Borat Sagiev is on his way to a premiership club.

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Let Battle Recommence

Tonight Argentina play Mexico in a game that, if there is any justice, will determine the winners of this years Copa (ed note: there is no justice in this world only smirking Scots B£stards). Just in case you have the memory of the goldfish, Humble Football offers a little snippet of the last time they met - best game of World Cup 2006.

Noveau riche b£stard taunts workers

Alex Ferguson, fresh from promoting Alastair Campbell's book, has cemented his place in hell by taunting those less fortunate than himself. Said 'Sir' Alex: 'The poor are poor for a reason, they are lazy scum'. When questioned further about United's financial position and the debt-financing embarked upon by his fundamentalist Christian backers, Ferguson was far from contrite, 'you wee communist bastard, this is capitalism, it is my prerogative to steal, cheat and enslave trolls'.

Monday, 9 July 2007

Billy: shut yo face

shut up

An ill breeze descends on north London, it rains and rains on Islington and Hackney, heroes up and move to sunny Barcelona, vultures circle overhead, ravens caw prophecies of doom (before flying further north to shit on white hart lane), and stupid useless c*nts like William Gallas moan to the press.

The slow left-back, short centre-back claims we need to make bigger signings to compete. True enough. He also questions the abilities of new boy Eduardo da Silva and older new boy Adebayor as heirs to Henry. Also fair. But by pissing on his club and team-mates and by threatening to jump ship, Billy G has done club morale no favour.

I thought the French understood solidarity.

Clearly, Gallas does not. He complained routinely last season about the callowness of the team, while spending most of the season sidelined with various industries. When he played, Gallas was hardly commanding as a centre-back or adventurous as a left-back (the few goals he did nick were lucky), and is certainly not worth the grief and damage he causes to the club with his whining tirades. He should have left his Chelsea instincts in the Bridge, and Wenger should think about swapping him for someone more able at centre-back (Christian Chivu anyone?).

Mexico, Argentina through - what goals?

Mexico crushed Paraguay 6-o last night, whilst Argentina did a similar number on Peru. Whilst some of the football being played is utterly outstanding, four incredibly one-sided Quarter-finals has raised questions about a gulf in class between the top teams and also-rans in South America. The point is hammered home when you consider that neither Brazil nor Argentina are fielding their strongest line-ups.

Meanwhile somewhere in Asia escaped Oceania convicts Australia could only draw with Oman (ha!).

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Venezuela ousted

Elsewhere in the Copa America, hosts Venezuela were knocked out 4-1 by Uruguay. Long considered the whipping boys of South American football, Venezuela surprised many by passing out of the group stages. Sadly, the Bolivarian footballers succumbed to a Uruguay team that has had a wholly mediocre tournament so far. Not the glorious ending that Hugo or his parrot would have desired.

Brazil thump Chile

Some beautiful goals in this not particularly competitive quarterfinal. Ended 6-1, though the sole Chilean strike is worth watching (as is Mark Gonzalez's ludicrous long-range strike off the bar). Amongst the scorers in yellow was one Julio Baptista, displaying the kind of poise and accuracy we never saw in norf London.

Saturday, 7 July 2007

It has begun

Asian cup 2007, Iraq - Thailand, one all draw, large amounts of rain. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq.

Friday, 6 July 2007

The Mesopotamian Cup

So according to the Beeb yesterday, nearly half of the Iraqi asylum seekers knocking on the EU's door hope to wind up in Sweden. We're not exactly sure what they're playing at, but when a Baghdadi stares at this or modish pseudo-socialist furniture, I suppose the choice is clear.

The Beeb says many of the new batch of refugees (some 10,000 a year) are from the Shia centre and south of Iraq--and not members of the longstanding Assyrian community, who have transformed the Swedish town of Södertälje into a Scandinavian Nineveh since their arrival in the 1970s. Their club, Assyriska Föreningen, is the veritable Chaldean national team (its owner, Sargon DeBasso, is named like the great-grandfather of the great Ashurbanipal, builder of libraries, vanquisher of his foes, and last scribe of Gilgamesh, Lord of the House of Dust), but unfortunately also happens to be Sweden's version of Crystal Palace. One can only hope that the new Iraqis integrate into Europe the proper way: by forming Babylonska FC and reigning terror on the cities of their enemies.

shara my son / go get yr fathers gun / and shoot the chelsea scum / shoot the chelsea scum


Leeds, the most fucked club in English football are presently being shafted by her majesty's revenue and customs for 7.7 million pounds in unpaid taxes. The case will be heard over 4 days in the start of september. Until the matter is cleared up the club cannot operate. Ken Bates will not do anything that requires commitment and will not sack Dennis Wise and Gus Poyet (manager and assistant manager) partly because all three are chelsea filth and also because it would cost him money to break their contracts.

How did this happen?

Leeds won the title in 1992, the following season they finished 17th and narrowly avoided relegation. They then carried out a long and detailed series of experiments in reverse alchemy - they were consistently successful, turning money into shit. Some examples:

Thomas Brolin (post-crippling) £4.5 million (1995)
Lee Bowyer (£2.6 million) (1996)
Michael Duberry (£4.5 million) (1999)
Danny Mills (£4.1 million) (1999)
Michael Bridges (£5 million) (1999)
Darren Huckerby (£4 million) (1999)
Oliver Dacourt (£7.2 million) (2000)
Robbie Fowler (£11 million) (2001)
Robbie Keane (£12 million) (2001)

I'm sure there are more, but my memory escapes me - I've not included Rio Ferdinand because they actually managed to make a profit out of him.

Another issue was wages - Peter Risdale thought it was a good idea to have his entire team on trophy salaries. So Danny Mills was being payed for his entire 5 year contract even though he broke it after 2 years. Robbie Fowler was being payed in severance until last season. Aaron Lennon, Chapeltown born and product of Leeds' academy was on a bonus packet that meant the club couldn't afford to play him.

In 2007 - the stadium has been sold, the club are in the third tier and may still cease to operate, Leeds United are run by chelsea scum and worst of all pigeons routinely shit on the Billy Bremner statue in front of the stadium.

Bring back Lucas Radebe. No, clone Lucas Radebe and make him occupy every position at the club. No, clone Lucas Radebe and make him occupy every position at the club and at HM revenue and customs. And have the ghost of Billy Bremner garotte Bates with ginger piano wire.


Abolitionist vows to continue struggle

Despite repeated legal defeats Sheffield United will continue to seek emancipation for all South American footballing trolls. The news that the troll will be loaned out to work for a brutish new Scottish master in the north of the country, and the escape of the Sheffield United goblin (possibly by train), has not dettered Chief Executive William Lloyd Garrison, who stated 'I cannot but regard oppression in every form – and most of all, that which turns a man into a thing – with indignation and abhorrence'.

Hugo Chavez defeats the empire of sulphur

In case you live under a large quiet rock, or in America, Venezuela - the hosts of this years Copa - are through to the quater-finals, whilst the yankie devils have gone home.

On hearing of Venezuela's victory over Peru and yet another US soccerball defeat, Chavez was quoted as saying 'The United States empire is on its way down and it will be finished in the near future, inshallah' - and who could argue with that?

Your morning Copa America highlights

Argentina continue to look bastardly impressive. Troll boy shines, despite his prospective move to money Utd.

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Look at these Hooligans

Steven Wells, punk rocker acolyte and reconstructed sports hack for the Guardian, writes a middling piece on those middling Americans. Thankfully, it isn’t one more dirge just bitching about them Yanks and their sock-her. Wells wonders about American apathy during their Gold Cup run and claims “what really annoys the rest of the world is the American failure to realise that international sporting competition even exists.” Of course, those idiots don’t care about sock-her—even though most of them played it in some miasmic, suburban state—but, horror of horrors, they’d take the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders over a Team USA any day. They're passionless when it comes to country, and often club. He has a point—apart from some lagered up New Yorkers, Americans are useless as fans even for their own shit sports. But, when it comes to international football, do we really mind?

Wells conjures up some encounter at a Chivas USA tailgate before their derby with the Galaxy (let’s just say the Home Depot Center isn’t quite the Azteca) and scolds a suburban Galaxy fan for winding up tequila drinking Chivenos. He seems to be saying that since Mexicans care more than you, you shouldn't piss them off... Wait, you're not pissing them off? What a typical American! I don’t really get it. I, for one, am happy that the sporting world is the last redoubt free of belligerent American nationalism. (You English are bad enough.) Then again, for some during the World Cup, militarist, cowboy Team USA already went one bridge too far against those poor, oppressed... Italians.

Horrible horrible news

Australia pledge to play "sexy" at Asian Cup

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

More good reading

Though our local Turks will not appreciate this - Ed Vulliamy produced this excellent piece for the Guardian.

A taste: 'Ahead of Turkey's crucial Euro 2008 qualifying match against Bosnia on 2 June, there was an affinity between themselves and the Bosnian Muslims that make up the capital's majority, a bond of culture and religion against their mutual, sworn enemies: Serbia and Greece. T-shirts and flags were for sale combining the lilies of the war-time Bosnian flag with Turkey's star and crescent on a red background. 'Bosna!' chanted the Turks; 'Turkiye!' the Bosnian fans chanted back.'

Transfer madness

Lets do the sums: Fernando Torres = Luis Garcia, Diego Forlan and possibly Jose Antonio Reyes. Does anyone find this just a mite ridiculous? Also aren't Athletico Madrid a real shot to qualify for the Champions League without their famous captain?

Whatever the case I need to mention something exceedingly important. Juninhio is joining Hull. Hull. Let the words speak for themselves. Two of them. Juninhio. Hull. Think on that for a while.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Euro 08 will be this good?

Yet more brilliant action from the Copa America. Argentina and Mexico have been outstanding. Argentina are probably the best team in the world right now. Come on you Monsters. Troll-boy will devour the earth.

Monday, 2 July 2007

Da Silva compilation

More stills and skills of our new gunner...

Da Silva signed up

Clips from our new striker... he looks a bit scrappier and more like a finisher than our other forwards. Rumours are that we shelled out over 20 million euros for the Brazilian-Croat. Let's hope 34 goals in the Croatian season doesn't lie.

New away kit on show

The new away kit is on display ahead of its release to the general public later this week. White top - a bit too much like Scum - and maroon shorts. However, anything is better than yellow. With its fine sense of fashion, HumbleFootball unanimously approves.

Below, Denilson and Theo model the children's-sized kit.


The ever reliable Daily Star reports that Declan Donnelly, who first found fame after the BBC broadcast his freak paintball accident, is being sought for trials by LA Galaxy. This comes after he was spotted during a celebrity kickabout with Robbie Williams. Never let it be said that the MLS is lacking in quality players.

Some critics in the US press have accused Galaxy of foolishness as, in addition to being blind, Donnelly is unable to turn left after years of quasi-symbiotic reliance on his co-host Anthony McPartlin. Galaxy head coach Frank Yallop defended the club's interest, saying that they were hoping to be able to register 'Ant and Dec' as one player: "Donnelly may be blind and in many ways half a man, but we are hoping McPartlin can 'see for' him and whisper commands into his ear. McPartlin may also be able to act as a 'second leg' for Donnelly. We plan to cover them in geordie warpaint. The opposition won't know what hit them."

Reports that Ant and Dec would join Victoria Beckham in recording Galaxy's theme song for the coming season, a choral piece called "We Don't Need No Raasclaat Thetans", were unconfirmed at the time of press.

Recommended Reading

The weekend trawl through the sports sections of too many papers and magazines produced this absolute beaut from James Montague at the New Statesman on the West Asia football championships:

Every Iraqi player in the squad has been touched by death or bad luck. Two days before the start of the tournament, the team's physio was killed in a car bombing in Baghdad. He was on the way to pick up his ticket to Amman. "I probably have the hardest job in the world as I have to deal with these boys with many problems," rues Jorvan Vieira, the Brazilian coach, before Iraq's 3-0 semi-final win against Syria. "We need to give the Iraqi people a good mirror. The division between Shia, Sunni or Kurd doesn't exist."

So, who's coming with me next year? Also who's excited by Iraq's prospects at the larger Asian tournament beginning in Bangkok this week?


Playing some bloody good football at the mo... Gooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllll - Mexico! Bravo, bravo, bravo.