Is it wrong to hate a 9 year old?

Shocking news has reached Humble Football HQ. Not content with troll-snatching on the outer edges of the law, Alex Ferguson has now revived his taste for small children by signing 9 year old Australian Rhain Davis. In the process he has achieved two things never thought possible - making Theo look old, and reviving horrible memories of a teenage Scottie Parker whoring himself to McDonalds.

currrrsed hammer

I know why West Ham are so fukked. There can be no argument. They are cursed. Every time they sign a mid-table level player for an inflated price he gets injured within the hour. The answer lies back in the wind blasted wastes of the Icelandic interior where successful biscuit-magnate Eggert Magnusson used to take his landrover defender for sinister summer trips.

When one thinks of Eggert Magnusson, one thinks of one thing... how can a man make this much money from biscuits? The answer? Magnusson's biscuits had a special ingredient: pieces of myling souls. These souls of unbaptised or murdered children were collected in Magnusson's Egg-wagon, chained together with pieces of elf-hair and then carted to an abandoned fish-processing factory in Seyðisfjörður where they were diced by Polish workers and used as creamy centres. The Icelandic people, desperate for their lost children and driven by a settler mentality obsessed with (pro)creating a human presence in their desolate land, ate them by the thousand.


the Icelandic interior - a myling haunt

However, should there be one (or two) lesson(s) you take from this story let it be this, do not mess with forces you don't understand and do not think yourself above the consequences of your actions. The mylings are hungry ghosts and they only want to be buried in hallowed ground. They chase people and climb on their backs so they can be carried to the cemetary, however, as they spend more time on the person's back they grow heavier and heavier, making that person sink into the soil. This explains why all the West Ham injuries have been foot or ankle related - as the players try and move the extraordinary weight upsets their balance and they injure themselves. Mystery solved. Who thought it was a gypsy curse? How ridiculous!


Eggert Magnusson - put dead childrens' souls into biscuits

Don't get me started on the troll.

Corruption, Trolls, Iran, Russian Dissidents, Shadowy Businessmen! - Humble Football reports.

Carlitos Tevez's move to Manchester was placed under further scrutiny today. Tevez's owner and master, Iranian 'businessman' Kia Joorabchian and his dissident billionaire mate Boris Berezovsky, have been charged with money laundering in Brazil. Further charges will be laid later today and are expected to include human-trafficking and cruelty to trolls.

The charges further complicate one of the most convoluted transfer saga's in the history of the Premiership. It is now likely that West Ham, the club that nominally own Tevez, will be docked points in the coming season, despite avoiding a points deduction last season when Tevez was crucial in ensuring they survived relegation. Sheffield United, the club relegated instead of West Ham, will continue to contest an outcome even Premier League Officials admitted was unfair.

Meanwhile it seems highly likely that Manchester United and Liverpool, who were involved in a similar transfer of Tevez's Argentinian team-mate Javier Mascherano, will avoid paying transfer fees for two key members of the best international side on the planet. The saga re-emphasises the level of corruption in the global footballing industry and the massive disparity of wealth between European and South American clubs. All of this occurs in a week when South American football has demonstrated both its incredible beauty and arguable tactical superiority.

Abolitionist vows to continue struggle

Despite repeated legal defeats Sheffield United will continue to seek emancipation for all South American footballing trolls. The news that the troll will be loaned out to work for a brutish new Scottish master in the north of the country, and the escape of the Sheffield United goblin (possibly by train), has not dettered Chief Executive William Lloyd Garrison, who stated 'I cannot but regard oppression in every form – and most of all, that which turns a man into a thing – with indignation and abhorrence'.