Humble capitalism

Reports today suggest that Stan Kroenke will meet the Arsenal board, including quite possibly racist bore, Peter Hill-Wood. Quite what they'll discuss, no-one knows. Though Kroenke now has a considerable 12% stake in the club, and has been making eyes at David Dein and Danny Fitzsman's stakes, both believed to be rather large (sorry no more pseudo-homo-erotic innuendo).

In related murky goings on - Kia Joorabchian has threatened to reveal the true nature of the Carlos Tevez deal, which is believed to involve a billy goat and a bridge in East Ham. Despite these shocking revelations, FIFA has said it may not be able to sort the mess prior to the beginning of the season. This raises the possibility that, due to the dispute, Carlos Tevez will not play for anyone for the first half of the season. FIFA will be concerned that any ruling sets a significant precedent. The reintroduction of slavery for humans as well as trolls remains a possibility, as were FIFA to sanction any Tevez deal they would effectively legitimise third-party ownership of players. Such a ruling would probably make the whole Bosman affair seem as relevant as the player himself.

Corruption, Trolls, Iran, Russian Dissidents, Shadowy Businessmen! - Humble Football reports.

Carlitos Tevez's move to Manchester was placed under further scrutiny today. Tevez's owner and master, Iranian 'businessman' Kia Joorabchian and his dissident billionaire mate Boris Berezovsky, have been charged with money laundering in Brazil. Further charges will be laid later today and are expected to include human-trafficking and cruelty to trolls.

The charges further complicate one of the most convoluted transfer saga's in the history of the Premiership. It is now likely that West Ham, the club that nominally own Tevez, will be docked points in the coming season, despite avoiding a points deduction last season when Tevez was crucial in ensuring they survived relegation. Sheffield United, the club relegated instead of West Ham, will continue to contest an outcome even Premier League Officials admitted was unfair.

Meanwhile it seems highly likely that Manchester United and Liverpool, who were involved in a similar transfer of Tevez's Argentinian team-mate Javier Mascherano, will avoid paying transfer fees for two key members of the best international side on the planet. The saga re-emphasises the level of corruption in the global footballing industry and the massive disparity of wealth between European and South American clubs. All of this occurs in a week when South American football has demonstrated both its incredible beauty and arguable tactical superiority.

Abolitionist vows to continue struggle

Despite repeated legal defeats Sheffield United will continue to seek emancipation for all South American footballing trolls. The news that the troll will be loaned out to work for a brutish new Scottish master in the north of the country, and the escape of the Sheffield United goblin (possibly by train), has not dettered Chief Executive William Lloyd Garrison, who stated 'I cannot but regard oppression in every form – and most of all, that which turns a man into a thing – with indignation and abhorrence'.