Friday, 20 July 2007

currrrsed hammer

I know why West Ham are so fukked. There can be no argument. They are cursed. Every time they sign a mid-table level player for an inflated price he gets injured within the hour. The answer lies back in the wind blasted wastes of the Icelandic interior where successful biscuit-magnate Eggert Magnusson used to take his landrover defender for sinister summer trips.

When one thinks of Eggert Magnusson, one thinks of one thing... how can a man make this much money from biscuits? The answer? Magnusson's biscuits had a special ingredient: pieces of myling souls. These souls of unbaptised or murdered children were collected in Magnusson's Egg-wagon, chained together with pieces of elf-hair and then carted to an abandoned fish-processing factory in Seyðisfjörður where they were diced by Polish workers and used as creamy centres. The Icelandic people, desperate for their lost children and driven by a settler mentality obsessed with (pro)creating a human presence in their desolate land, ate them by the thousand.

the Icelandic interior - a myling haunt

However, should there be one (or two) lesson(s) you take from this story let it be this, do not mess with forces you don't understand and do not think yourself above the consequences of your actions. The mylings are hungry ghosts and they only want to be buried in hallowed ground. They chase people and climb on their backs so they can be carried to the cemetary, however, as they spend more time on the person's back they grow heavier and heavier, making that person sink into the soil. This explains why all the West Ham injuries have been foot or ankle related - as the players try and move the extraordinary weight upsets their balance and they injure themselves. Mystery solved. Who thought it was a gypsy curse? How ridiculous!

Eggert Magnusson - put dead childrens' souls into biscuits

Don't get me started on the troll.


Tan said...


Kanishk Tharoor said...

i saw mylings in our garden yesterday... they were the vengeful ghosts of sam's plants