Cheryl explains Ash's little mistake

Cheryl 'Titus' Cole describing why Ashley went to Chelsea instead of Real Madrid (wow! what great options) - "Why should all my dreams and aspirations be shattered for the sake of his career? It would have meant that I'd have had to give up my career, which I wasn't prepared to do". Too right really. Ashley is rubbish anyway.

Reason #1827 to hate Usmanov

Despite his insistence that he's a committed gooner, Alisher Usmanov is in fact a Man U fan. He "spends hours following the Red Devils. ... His posh West London office is littered with Man U annuals and photos. And Usmanov’s vast desk is piled with rows of United DVDs. There are also match programmes and videos of Man U hero Eric Cantona."

Note: he has an office in west London, of which HumbleFootball has received exclusive photos accessible here.

Is it wrong to hate a 9 year old?

Shocking news has reached Humble Football HQ. Not content with troll-snatching on the outer edges of the law, Alex Ferguson has now revived his taste for small children by signing 9 year old Australian Rhain Davis. In the process he has achieved two things never thought possible - making Theo look old, and reviving horrible memories of a teenage Scottie Parker whoring himself to McDonalds.

Noveau riche b£stard taunts workers

Alex Ferguson, fresh from promoting Alastair Campbell's book, has cemented his place in hell by taunting those less fortunate than himself. Said 'Sir' Alex: 'The poor are poor for a reason, they are lazy scum'. When questioned further about United's financial position and the debt-financing embarked upon by his fundamentalist Christian backers, Ferguson was far from contrite, 'you wee communist bastard, this is capitalism, it is my prerogative to steal, cheat and enslave trolls'.