Move over Juan-Roman

In the proud tradition of Arsenal mastermind, we present you with this gem from French television. Who is our most accurate player, Cesc, Gallas, Theo? (No, no and no). Like Phillipe Senderos having a brain, the ultimate winner will surprise you.

Theo rips it up

During the boredom of an international friendly week, The Tabloid: Shock News - Mclaren is Crap, we have some sweet relief. Any ideas on how to bypass youtube premierleague censorship whilst we're at it?

Mo Problems?

Youtube have got wise to the way of the pirate. So instead we must rely on fans to provide you with footage of the games. Where others would see an insurmountable impediment, Humble Football sees a glorious opportunity to improve the quality of commentary. Watch and listen as Van Persie scores the first as we beat Fulham.

The debate?

So we've given you an idea of what others think. They're obviously a little daft. Who knows best? We knows best. Or perhaps you do?

Big questions time. Who will win the league this year? Who's going down? Cups, Champions league? What else of note will occur?

Fight! Fight! Fight!

THFGSG: Four Four Two

The produce: Setanta sports is here! Subscribe now! 'I mean sorry we are a serious football magazine'.

Key Prediction: Setanta will usurp Sky to become the favoured choice of sports fans everywhere.

Best wizz-bang feature: Setanta Sports logo's on every. single. page.

Top four: Somewhat skewed by variety - a combination of very 'wise' heads (Setanta pundits) predict - Chelsea, Man Utd, Liverpool, and Spurs (Tim Sherwood thinks they'll finish third).

Down: Derby, Wigan, Brum.

Arsenal finish: 5th apparently we're a bit crap and our manager will leave. Emmanuel Petit has insider information (always loyal, our Manu).

If this guide were a guide it would be: An infomercial. Pretends to be providing you with useful product information about Chuck Norris' workout regime, but spoils it all by trying to sell you something.

THFGFSG: Premier League Previews (Soccernet)

Produce: Spartan team-by-team list, delivered with the sincerity and earnestness one expects of the lovable Yanks at Soccernet.com

Key Prediction: "Man United have spent the most and it should guarantee them the title, while Liverpool may have the edge on a surprisingly stingy Chelsea this season." Ah, the eternal American faith in capital expenditure.

"As for the rest, there are few surprises, although all will become clear by May 2008." All will become clear in May? No, impossible. Doesn't Soccernet know that the universe will implode in April, leaving nothing but the eternal weave and weft of the cosmos?

Best wizz-bang feature: Did you know, Beckham's in America? Beckham Beckham Beckham Beckahm.

Top four: ManYoo, Spleenpool, Chelski, Arsenal

Down: Wigan, Birmingham, Derby

Arsenal finish: 4th, with Tottenham close behind. RVP to excel, our defense to leak goals.

If this guide were a guide it would be: Lewis and Clark; intrepid, courageous, adventurous, but indebted to indigenous wisdom and Native American women

THFGFSG: The Season (The Guardian)

Kevin McCarra - frighteningly accurate or just frightening?
Produce: Fleshy little hymn-book, signs songs of praise in anticipation of an exciting season ahead.

Key Prediction: Not one to make bold predictions, The Season asserts, 'Mourinho's team should be caught up in an engrossing battle with United and, perhaps, Liverpool'. Though the prediction that England will go out to Portugal 3-0 on penalties in Euro 08, has a ring of truth to it.

Best wizz-bang feature: Team owner facebook profiles, Roman Abramovich - status: 'Roman is keen to buy - sorry, win - the Champions League', even better Chelsea - Bankrolled by: 'The Russian workers who sold their shares in the country's vast privatised energy resources to Roman Abramovich for a handful of beads and a shot of vodka'. (It should be noted that we have essentially nicked their formatting for this guide to season guides, but we have sacrificed myling souls and have a small readership, so the chances of being sued are minimal).

Top 4: Chelsea, Troll Utd, Liverpool, Arsenal.

Down: Derby, Middlesborough and one other as yet unnamed team (Wigan?).

Arsenal finish: 4th. Though Theo is predicted to have a good season.

If this guide were a guide it would be: Sherpa Tenzing, so bloody good you can't help wondering why it didn't just climb the thing itself (eh?).

The Humble Football guide to football season guides

Starting tomorrow Humble Football will bring you a guide to the new season. Due to a combination of laziness and football obsession as well as a passing acquaintance with post-modernism, this will take the form of a guide to other season guides. Allowing us to abdicate responsibility for our own ridiculous predictions whilst simultaneously ridiculing others.

Tomorrow we profile the Guardian Season Guide. You have been warned.

Picture, Worth, Thousand, Words

And for good measure - "We have the same vision of football. I know which balls he likes to touch" (Florent Malouda talking about Didier Drogba).

make a difference, cull a seal

as humble football wakes every morning it peers through opaque eyes to discover that the myling have left a glass of nerpa milk next to its bed. every morning humble football vows to repay this kindness by culling as many seals as the season provides. at humble football we serve the myling in their attempts to expand their control over the entire FA. the greatest threat to this necessary historical process are mutant seal-footballer offspring from a displaced seal camp on the Moray Firth - one of the few regions of the country which lies beyond myling control.

resistance is widespread. the norwegians seem particularly confused as to how to counter the appearance of seal-human hybrids and reasonably so - i mean, how do you take the ball away from someone who's bouncing it on his head? as ever, the proud brazilian servants of the myling crown have found an inventive culling method - if he's bouncing it on his head, drop kick him as close to his head as you possibly can and then fall to the ground feigning mere collision. observe:




so remember, if you see a seal, kill it with a hook, then drain it's milk as it dies, present the majority of it at the nearest myling shrine and take a few drops for yourself. and as you glance furtively around and suck the milk from your greedy fingers, remember the eternal maxim: you may be bad, but your enemy is worse than you. this beachmaster wants your women.

"Football-Rumours" = rubbish

Football-Rumours.co.uk: a place to watch your Monday mornings spiral down the toilet amidst the ravings of 14 year-0lds, illiterates, and... well... people like us. It's also quite happy to eat the sh!t we feed it - for instance, this nonsense rumour about Wenger scooping up Royston Drenthe.

Highlights: Arsenal 1 - Ajax 0

Apologies about the sky sourcing. On the plus side we are stealing from big Rupe M, as opposed to paying for anything.

Arsenal win Amsterdam tournament

A late late late Van Persie goal sends us home smiling. 1-0 to the Arsenal. However persistent dutch brutality made for a very worrying night, which climaxed in Van Persie being stretchered off just after scoring. Arsene was not a happy man. On the plus side we win away and actually manage to score against Ajax, despite playing rather averagely and missing a fair few chances.

A league with a social conscience?

social entrepreneurs

Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger, the German football correspondent for soccernet.com, argues that the Bundesliga remains the only big league with a "social conscience". Mass commercialisation has been eschewed for the masses. How so? Uli cites a litany of cases of successful collective fan actions, including the retention of terrace seating and the easy availability of highlights and other football coverage on free-tv. The clincher: Uli's season ticket to see Borussia Dortmund costs a mere 150 euros, less than many pay to watch a season of non-league football in England (and to think, gooners have to splosh 30 quid only for the privilege of eventually buying tickets).

Arsenal 2 Fascists 1

Wenger's tots opened the Amsterdam tournament with a fairly convincing 2-1 victory over Lazio (of Paolo di Canio Mussolini-salute fame), with fox-in-the-box goals from Nicky B and the BrazilianBolivianHungarianTatarCroat Eduardo. The commentators mention we looked frail defensively, but that shouldn't be of too much concern... Hoyte-Djourou-Senderos-Traore is not our starting back four.

Continuing a worrying theme

Now that we are cleansed, it is good to remember that not all children are so obnoxious. 5 year old Lionel has a few tricks.

Humble Football cleansing ceremony

To purge the blog of traces of plague and incontinence (ManYoo audio below), Humble Football summons its healers and medics from Uganda.

Is it wrong to hate a 9 year old?

Shocking news has reached Humble Football HQ. Not content with troll-snatching on the outer edges of the law, Alex Ferguson has now revived his taste for small children by signing 9 year old Australian Rhain Davis. In the process he has achieved two things never thought possible - making Theo look old, and reviving horrible memories of a teenage Scottie Parker whoring himself to McDonalds.

A recommendation

Not content with sending our best players to Spain - we have decided to send our readers there too. Why not check out La Liga Loca for a spot of Spanish.